


Shapeless Tunnel, Monstrous Pitfalls

by HogwartsToAlexandria



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Abortion, Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Married Couple, Past Rape/Non-con, Pregnant From Rape, Pregnant From Rape and Partner Is Supportive Of All Possible Choices, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, complicated feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:54:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28936587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HogwartsToAlexandria/pseuds/HogwartsToAlexandria
Summary: The room is cold. The bench is cold. The stirrups, too. Only Thor's hand in his is warm, a beacon of heat in Steve's dark world."What do you want to do Mr Rogers?"
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Thor
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32
Collections: Bulletproof 20/21





	Shapeless Tunnel, Monstrous Pitfalls

The room is cold. The bench is cold. The stirrups, too. Only Thor's hand in his is warm, a beacon of heat in Steve's dark world. 

It's been dark for a while now. More time has passed since that day, and even more since he found out, and it's still dark, and cold, and hard to face life every day. 

It goes on, that's the hardest part. It goes on and you can't step out, you can't settle down with your thoughts and cry too long. Thor says it would be dangerous to do it anyway, but he also says Steve should let go. He says a lot of things, a lot of the time. Except now. Right now Thor only squeezes his hand when Steve looks at him, and holds on to it steadily when he doesn't. The ray of warmth, the truth of his support. It tears at his heart, or it would, if there was more than a hole where it should have been beating. 

_"It's not... the baby is not viable, Mr Rogers ."_

It's been dark for a while. Messy, and filled with pain and the sobs he doesn't know he's been releasing through the night until he wakes up and his pillow is wet and Thor tries to smile at him. It's the beauty of Thor, and one of the many reasons Steve married him three years ago. 

Of all the dangers they've faced, going for drinks and leaving his glass unattended had to be the way it all shattered. 

Steve blinks away tears he doesn't even feel but knows are there. Thor consciously or instinctively turns in his chair to shield more from the jarring white neon light. It's quiet, and yet it's a storm. The cushion under his head is a small comfort for how heavy it feels on his neck, he can feel a thin coating of sweat under the fringe of his hair, it's unpleasant, but then again, not much isn't right now. 

The clinic they're at is in a relatively busy part of town and the room they got settled in has four windows facing the avenue they drove through to get there. There's car honks and all the traffic sounds you can think of. Steve knows Thor hates that, it's why his floor back at the tower is so soundproof, Tony made sure of it, but Steve likes it well enough. It's proof that, once again, life goes on outside of his misery. Proof that the world kept turning even though his own crumbled. It's both uplifting and profoundly unfair. 

He's had his share and a half of unfair. He thought he was done, arrived, settled. At peace. Instead, he can't remember a day he hasn't cried since That Day. 

Maybe he should take Sam's idea and find a group, talk it out. Or Tony's, and find a solo therapist. He's not ready. 

_"The baby's not viable, your body is rejecting it… The serum is probably the reason, but it's hard to tell. We don't exactly have a lot of patients with your metabolism come in."_

Steve remembers every word that came out of the OB-gyn's mouth a month ago. He could recite them like the woman had just said them. He hears them in his sleep, when he brushes his teeth, when he tries to watch TV, when Thor hugs him. Sometimes he even hears them when Thor talks to him, like a very inconvenient voice over. 

He remembers how those words messed him up, maybe even worse than he was when he peed on the stick that made his life even worse. 

_The hospital smelled of antiseptic and despair, this part of it maybe less so, but it was impossible to tell where Steve was in his head, in his body, in his life. Dr Patterson was nice enough, but all Steve could think about as she made them sit in front of her desk after the exam was how frail she looked, how vulnerable when his superhuman strength hadn't been enough. All he could look at was her hand as she flipped through his file, at his own, encased in Thor's larger one, the only way he was still steady enough to sit straight._

_"What do you want to do Mr Rogers?"_

_He would remember the look on her face, too, for the rest of his life. The look of compassion rather than pity, the look of uncertainty and benevolence, the look of understanding that filled her gaze when Steve couldn't make sense of his own feelings._

_"The possibility that it wouldn't be viable did not cross my mind before today." He'd said, and felt more than heard Thor's hiccup. It really hadn't. He'd thought about what to do. About keeping a baby that might remind him of his being raped, half-aware yet too dosed to fight back, forever. About raising an innocent child always knowing that his or her existence would always take him back there, even if it came a point where he could call himself healed — he didn't see it happen anytime soon, not considering the nightmares — he'd tried so hard to envision it in a positive light. Thor had tried too, he could tell._

_"Do you want to schedule the termination of your pregnancy Mr Rogers?" Dr Patterson had asked, carefully, in a measured tone that was without a doubt the result of a carefully honed skill in not pressuring her patients one way or another._

_Steve had finally looked at Thor, and sobbed when the shame and relief he felt all mixed inside his mind was reflected in his husband's eyes._

The appointment had been made for a week after that. But of course, Avengers business called even when Steve felt like disappearing into a hole and never come back. So it was pushed back, and pushed back again. Until they made time for it. For this day that is as much a continuation of Steve's pain as it is a relief from it. 

Steve looks into Thor's eyes, squeezes his hand harder than anyone other than him could sustain. He's trembling, cold still, nerves haywire, mind on fire.

"Hide me in your arms, please." He asks, and he sounds as miserable as he feels, because he gets to be. With this man, in this moment, he gets to be as torn as he feels. 

Thor nods, pushes his chair as close as he can to the bench Steve is laid on, and frames his face in his arms, pushing their foreheads together. They both close their eyes, and they don't move even when the doctor comes back and asks if they're ready to start. Both he and Thor give him time, and Steve gathers all the strength he has left for the day to whisper that he is, ready. 

It's quiet, and it's painful, and it's too many things to name, and the only reason Steve's teeth aren't chattering with the dreadful cold he feels is Thor's skin is so hot around and against him. A shield, once again. 

Thor's fingers play with his hair and caress the side of his face, Thor's lips stray to his cheeks to press reassuring kisses into Steve's skin, and Steve can't do anything but wind his arms around his shoulders, large enough to carry the both of them, and hold on while the doctor works in silence. 

He holds on, and Thor holds him, and Steve has a moment of clarity, the first in days, that tells him this is the middle of the tunnel. It's so dark it's impossible to tell if they're moving towards the light or backwards, impossible to tell if he is making progress, but it's a tunnel nonetheless. There is an exit, he just has to find it. 

  
  



End file.
